OK I dream a lot but I make funny too

Frankly I think all Doctors are Bozo's

Medical Terminology for the Layman

A.D.D: opposite of subtract, *1 & 1 makes a three some

ALCOHOLIC: the bartender at the country club

AN EMERGENCY CASE: last case of Scotch behind the boxes in the closet

ANTIBODY: against everyone

ANTIDOTE: and he don't smoke no more, * my aunt's got Alzheimer

AUTOPSY: Mexican doctor doesn't want a convertible, *Chinese doctor wants a convertible Jaguar

AROMA THERAPY: doctors best medical marijuana he took to Rome with his head nurse at Christmas

ARTERY: the study of fine paintings

ATTENTION DEFICIT: HUH?, * I'm over drawn, transfer funds from petty cash

BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria

BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones

BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails

BENIGN: what you be after you be eight

BIRD FLU: well most of 'em do, *my mistress left me

BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes

BOWELS: letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome, *where you stab JULIUS CAESAR

C-SECTION: between B and D, mid court third row up

CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her

CHEMOTHERAPY: my nephew sells wigs, *my brother is a lawyer he can help you with a will, * Wow Aruba on just 1 patient, * we only accept cash now, *uhh did you call Vito about that lil sumin sumin, * it's Wednesday, *the bar is open

COLIC: a sheep dog, usually named Lassie

COMA: a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL: friendly

CO-PAY: doctor has to collect from two c*^k suckers

CORTISONE: the local courthouse

D & C: where Washington is

DILATE: to live longer, *never say die till all the money's gone

DYSFUNCTIONAL: this freaking thing don't work at all, *I need a drink, where's my freaking pills

ED: an old sit com about a talking horse, *you are very impotent to us

ENEMA: not a friend, * the opposite of cinema, * the unborn baby

ER: the things on your head that you hear with, * or 'ere take this

ERECTION: the act of Ha-pp, * HA-penis, * what Chinese people do to vote for a leader

ETCETERA: an expensive and fancy name for aspirin, *(Excedrin)

EXCITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME: I'm gonna kick that rich bastards ass if he doesn't pay me

EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY: all the mice died, * I'm sorry you need back surgery

FESTER: quicker, one of the Addams family

FIBRILLATE: to tell lies

G.I. SERIES: championship baseball games between teams of soldiers

GENES: blue denim slacks

GENITAL: non-Jewish, * a soft touch, * not Harsh

GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL: a coat hook

HEAD NURSE: the one with knee pads

HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space, * Male humanoid

HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room

HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

HYGIENE: what you say to Jean if she's been good, the next day, * blue jeans over your ankles

ICU: peek-a-boo, * I can't understand the cost of medical treatment

IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known, * see ED

INPATIENT: tired of waiting

INTERNISTS: a penchant for burglary, * doctor who lost his license and is a undertaker

INTOXICANTS: uh yes absolut,* See Al or Vito, * see also Aroma Therapy, Narcotics or see ya at the club on Wednesday

LABOR PAIN: hurting at work, lots of insurance money, * what the nurses do, not the doctors

LACTOSE INTOLERANT: I like her breasts but her feet are disgusting

LEGALLY BLIND: no doctor here, do you see the doctor, *doctor has left the country club bar

LEGALLY DEAD: doctor has to send Vito to collect, *doctor gets caught screwing Vito's wife

LEGALLY DRUNK: Good morning, I'm your doctor, *Happy Hour at the club, *NAA NO MO FREAKIN SCOTCH AL, I'm due in surgery in a half hour, HELP ME OUTTA THIS FREAKIN TOILET, I could buy and sell you AL,,,,,,,,,RAALLPHH, get me a towel AL

MAL-PRACTICE: Good morning I'm your doctor, * How Lawyers afford Jaguars, head secretaries, trips to Rome and Aruba and the country club and of course medical marijuana

MAL-PRACTICE SUIT: your most expensive Armani suit, bought in Rome

MEDICAID: me dick hurts, *you're a bum,* see also LEGALLY DEAD

MEDICAL MARIJUANA: what the doctor smokes

MEDICALLY APPROVED: yes we take Visa and MasterCard

MEDICAL EMERGENCY: you can't pay the Doctor

MEDICAL EMERGENCY TRAUMA: patient walks in, when doctor and new nurse are naked

MIGRAINE: not your corn

MEDICARE: unless doctor gets paid he don't care, aw screw it, it's a tax break

MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane, * doctors Harem

MINOR OPERATION: somebody Else's, *a young girl, *Wednesdays at the club

MORBID: a higher offer, *the doctors mother in law

NARCOTICS: babe magnets,*doctors ONE a DAY, or as many as he wants, * a form of currency for wealthy patients

NEURITIS: I need a newer Jaguar, *at least she's younger and prettier than the old head nurse
NITRATE: lower than day rate

NITROUS OXIDE: don't worry be happy time, *the doctor is out * on an emergency case

NODE: was aware of , * I node dat

OBGYN: mythical name of Star Wars character, Obie Wan

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE SYNDROME: I don't care if it is a sin, I want to take my new nurse driving around in Rome in my new Jaguar convertible for Christmas

OBSTETRICIAN: an electrician's truck stuck in the road, or any electrical obstruction, eg, telephone pole, wires etc.

ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move, * act of sleeping with two women
ORGANIC: church musician

OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted

PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PHYSICAL: doctor gets to feel your secret places, doctor has a good golf game

PHYSICAL THERAPY: what the doctor does in the back seat of his Jaguar

PHYSICIAN: a gin fizz,* vodka and tonic, * joke name for Al at the country club

PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

PLASTIC SURGERY: what a doctor does to your credit card, *what you'll need if you see Vito, * what the doctors wife gets after the divorce settlement

POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier, *a reservation at the country club, * first drink after a long day, *what the head nurse does after closing

PROTECTED SEX: vasectomy, * Vito holds the gun to her head, * your brothers a Lawyer, * a pre-nuptial agreement, * she's over 16 or 18, depends on state, * Vito never goes against the family

PROTEIN: in favor of young people

PRN; please return nurse when finished or neccessary

RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture, * party room for doctors, well you were passed out,* wife has gone to her mothers, * bigger back seats in a Cadillac

RECTUM: what happened to the Corvette, and the Jaguar

RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula, *oh it's that time of the month

RHEUMATIC: amorous (Inclined to love tupid), * not automatic, * an automatic room

SALINE: where you go on your boat

SECRETION: hiding anything

SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood

SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE: Pay me you SOB or Vito will kill you, do you hear me

SUPPOSITORY: Suppose I hide my assets off shore in a secret place

SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptedly power supply

STAPH INFECTION: all the nurses get a sexually transmitted disease, a lack of rubber

STERILE OPERATION: the doctors lawyer says your wife couldn't be pregnant he had a vasectomy

STERILE SOLUTION: use the stairs not using the elevator during a fire, Johnny Walker Black Label

TABLET: a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport

TIBIA: country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak, * what happens when you go to Atlanta

TUMOR: an extra pair, * yer outta Wild Turkey, na I got tumor in the bath room

URINE: opposite of "you're out", * Urine good hands with Allstate

VARICOSE: very close, * Bella Lugosi's wife

VASECTOMY: why the doctor didn't get your wife or daughter or his staff pregnant, *the art of gluing vases together

VEIN: conceited

VIAGRA: a place to get married and watch a big waterfall, * what you take to not pee on your shoes

WARTS: bible says there will be rumors of

X RAY: code name of doctors movies of you undressing

,,,What writers have to live with!

In my Room

DEAR GIRL,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the DOGS?
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching a movie
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR MAN,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't
get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play with the DOG?
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your shorts while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching Jessica Simpson movies, over and over , etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you
missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the
ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling?" The
time you felt me move was because you farted and I was
trying to breathe.